Chemo today...

Grace had her last round of Interim Maintenance today and received two forms of chemo. She has done really well today ( she has some really fun visitors to distract her)! Grace begins her hardest round of chemo yet (Delayed intensification) in 18 days. She will lose her hair, so we're told, she will more than likely feel pretty yucky, so we're gearing up for the second week in December and hoping she'll feel alright through Christmas. Wish us luck...and say hoorah for an 18 day break from chemo!

Rambling thoughts..........

We consider this blog a journal of sorts, or maybe a way to preserve the raw feelings that accompany our experience with Gracie's Cancer. I'm hoping one day we'll look back and be grateful we monitored the moments. Otherwise, we might believe it never REALLY happened. It feels that way sometimes...raw, and unreal, and far to fresh to fully be absorbed into reality. But, I think that the good thing about life is it's more black and white than it appears...you're either in that boat or your not, you either sink or swim, you either are or you are not. A few things I know: our daughter has Cancer. I know it is harder than I ever could have imagined, and yet somehow it has already been three months. I think we are actually living through this ( oh wait, yeah...I just pinched myself) This is real. I know that we have never had a feeling like we had when the doctor's told us Grace was sick. I know that life already felt like it was moving quickly with three children growing so fast. But, now...well...how to describe it except to say I feel like we're frozen in this very unfamiliar existence and we watch as the world just spins crazily all around us. It is hard to forfeit all control to circumstances so far beyond us. We felt this tonight. Grace had a spinal tap headache all through the night last night and all day today. She cried in pain...actually that is inaccurate...she screamed out in absolute pain. When they puncture her spinal column to give her Methotrexate, it disrupts the fibers in the spinal column and creates a little gap where spinal fluid can leak out, causing the balance of fluid to be off. All the reading I've done explains that it is the "headache of all headaches." Poor Gracie just wailed in pain, and all we could even do is hold her. She kept saying, "please just make it stop! When will it stop?" Our hearts just ached for her. She got to a point where we just laid by her in a dark room and she couldn't speak because it hurt too much. She asked her daddy for a blessing, which he lovingly gave. JR's voice is always so comforting. I see how it calms our children and makes everyone feel so safe. She was able to doze off and her spinal headache finally subsided.
Now, it is not that we like to share the harder side of Grace's experience. But, we hope to someday look back on this "journaling" and tell Grace a few things we knew for certain amongst all the things we couldn't understand. We know that Grace is unusually strong for someone her age. We know she has a kind spirit and worries about everyone else even while facing something so hard. We know that even when she spent the whole day crying in pain...she always smiled when Tanner or Eva came in the room. We know that there is power in prayer. We know that Grace has faith. We know that we are grateful she is surrounded by Tanner and Eva-two of the sweetest kids I know. We know that we have seen so much good in people and so many people doing so many wonderful things for us-we can't even begin to explain it. We know that somehow we will get through this...and perhaps gain a few things worth journaling about!