A year ago today...

One year ago today, Sam, Max, and Nick were coming into town and we were so excited. Today...they are here as well and we are equally as excited. I wish I could take a picture, but in my clumsiness-I broke our camera. :-( One year ago today, Grace got a fever of 104 that Motrin couldn't touch and I took her to see the pediatrician. Though the doctor thought at first she just had a virus that had to run its course, I insisted she looked at her leg bruises. That's when she put a rush order on a blood test. I remember once I when I was pregnant with Eva I was getting blood work done and I saw a little child getting his blood drawn without a stitch of a fight. I commented to the phlebotomist that I'd never seen a child do that before. He said, "it's those ones you worry about-you know they are really sick." I remember sitting with Grace while she got her blood test and she didn't fight or even flinch. That's when my stomach started turning. I also remember that terrible day exactly one year ago and just three hours later than it is right now, when the doctor walked in the room scared to death and could barely mutter the words, "Grace most likely has Leukemia." JR and I can probably tell you, even though now much of the year is a wild blur, exactly what we were wearing, the smell in the air, the palor of Grace's skin tone, the sounds of the hospital, the sting in our eyes from tears as we sat at Doernbecher- Grace in arms answering all the questions the doctors had for us. That moment is frozen in time. That moment changed all other moments somehow. In that moment we became other people-I'm not sure I recognize us all the time-though that's not bad. We've learned so much.
A year ago today Grace was truly sick. Today, she is much stronger. She had chemo yesterday, so today she has vomited and was up in the night with vincristine aches. But, today she IS stronger. Yesterday, she accessed her port in only 20 seconds!!!! A year ago it would take her 45 min. to an hour. So, we have made strides. But, somehow my heart aches so deeply when I see that smile on her face as she enters chemo and pulls herself together so well to face those things that she dislikes. It seems like no child should have to face those kinds of fears. She is so good. So good, it hurts to think about.
So, I think I speak for both myself and JR today-as well as those who have gone through this with us (especially our family members)- Despite the reflective thoughts, we are happy today and are grateful we've made it through this year. We are really proud of Grace, Tanner, and Eva's fortitude. I just need to tell my mind to tell my heart not to feel so nostalgic and reflective. It hurts to think about what hardships they've been through. So, instead it's important to think of all the amazing things they've experienced this year. They have seen miracles, they have watched and learned compassion and service, they have learned to be there for each other, they have learned to survive even in hardship we still don't fully understand. I used to wonder if our hearts would survive the year. Our hearts have definately grown more full and even though I would change her suffering, I can't say that I would change what we've gone through. I know we'll be better for it.