After chemo...

Gracie did remarkably well at chemo. She had three forms of chemo: vincristine, methotrexate (through her port in her chest) and a spinal tap-with more methotrexate in her spinal column. Grace continues to astound us. That day, she was happy, energized and playful. She lasted until 3pm that afternoon, and then got really nauseated and unwell. It is not that Grace doesn't feel awful most the time, but she tries so very hard to be happy and she is so joyful in general that she really can distract herself from her pain. Tonight, she was crying because her body ached so much. I rocked her to sleep, and relished holding our precious child. As her eyelids grew heavy, she softly said, "I just wish I didn't cause my Cancer." It seems that regardless of how you can reassure her that she has neither caused this, nor is deserving of this, a child's mind goes to the deepest corners of worrying. I told her that she most certainly did NOT cause her Cancer. We explained that Grace is also not defined by her Cancer. Rather, she is conquering something far bigger than most people ever endure! Somehow, she's making it through the hard times. And, there are many. It feels so inadequate to fall short of relieving her suffering. But, if holding her tight as she lulls herself to sleep is what we can do, at least she'll know she's never alone.