One year ago today, Sam, Max, and Nick were coming into town and we were so excited. Today...they are here as well and we are equally as excited. I wish I could take a picture, but in my clumsiness-I broke our camera. :-( One year ago today, Grace got a fever of 104 that Motrin couldn't touch and I took her to see the pediatrician. Though the doctor thought at first she just had a virus that had to run its course, I insisted she looked at her leg bruises. That's when she put a rush order on a blood test. I remember once I when I was pregnant with Eva I was getting blood work done and I saw a little child getting his blood drawn without a stitch of a fight. I commented to the phlebotomist that I'd never seen a child do that before. He said, "it's those ones you worry about-you know they are really sick." I remember sitting with Grace while she got her blood test and she didn't fight or even flinch. That's when my stomach started turning. I also remember that terrible day exactly one year ago and just three hours later than it is right now, when the doctor walked in the room scared to death and could barely mutter the words, "Grace most likely has Leukemia." JR and I can probably tell you, even though now much of the year is a wild blur, exactly what we were wearing, the smell in the air, the palor of Grace's skin tone, the sounds of the hospital, the sting in our eyes from tears as we sat at Doernbecher- Grace in arms answering all the questions the doctors had for us. That moment is frozen in time. That moment changed all other moments somehow. In that moment we became other people-I'm not sure I recognize us all the time-though that's not bad. We've learned so much.
A year ago today Grace was truly sick. Today, she is much stronger. She had chemo yesterday, so today she has vomited and was up in the night with vincristine aches. But, today she IS stronger. Yesterday, she accessed her port in only 20 seconds!!!! A year ago it would take her 45 min. to an hour. So, we have made strides. But, somehow my heart aches so deeply when I see that smile on her face as she enters chemo and pulls herself together so well to face those things that she dislikes. It seems like no child should have to face those kinds of fears. She is so good. So good, it hurts to think about.
So, I think I speak for both myself and JR today-as well as those who have gone through this with us (especially our family members)- Despite the reflective thoughts, we are happy today and are grateful we've made it through this year. We are really proud of Grace, Tanner, and Eva's fortitude. I just need to tell my mind to tell my heart not to feel so nostalgic and reflective. It hurts to think about what hardships they've been through. So, instead it's important to think of all the amazing things they've experienced this year. They have seen miracles, they have watched and learned compassion and service, they have learned to be there for each other, they have learned to survive even in hardship we still don't fully understand. I used to wonder if our hearts would survive the year. Our hearts have definately grown more full and even though I would change her suffering, I can't say that I would change what we've gone through. I know we'll be better for it.
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13 comments:
i cannot help but feel a bit of a sting as well...such a fateful day but look at where you are. look at grace and her strength - her power - her spirit. your family's inspiration to conquer allows me to see life as a fragile gift so thank you. you lift me higher, kim. you really do. xoxo.
1 year!!! What a year it has been for you and your family! I am a better person for knowing you this year and watching your rise to this challenge!
What an amazing family you are an an even more amazing little girl Grace is! You all have inspired me more than you know as I have followed and quietly prayed for you.
Wow.. not a dry eye over here as we read this. What a year.
So interesting to hear you say that moment was frozen in time for you.. I can only imagine. I remember talking with you on the phone that day. You were so unsure as anyone would be. In contrast, TODAY you seem so sure of yourself, and what this situation has brought to your life. The good and the bad. I know there still are unsure moments, but we are so proud of the way you have all handled this journey!
1 year..wow! I think its safe to say that SO very many people have grown this year just by your example of strength and courage. I know we are one of the many.
I will try to write this as I am crying!! One year ago I remember where I was when Ron called me to tell about Gracie. I was at Girl's camp in Heber and I was standing in a grove of trees so that I could get reception, the tall trees were creaking and talking to me as I prayed for you and your family. I knew that your lives would change drastically and I knew that Gracie would have good days and bad days--but to be very honest with you, I had no idea how her strength and spirit would change my life forever. She has taught me so much about life, we were not sent here and promised a perfect life, we were promised trials and obstacles to teach us important lessons. It is how we deal with things and how we treat others that will change our hearts forever. Gracie is a beautiful little girl both inside and out and thank you for writing down your feelings and thoughts and sharing them with us. Kim, you have such a unique way of expressing yourself with this blog, and it has made me fall in love with you all over again!! You are a special Mother and I miss you dearly. . . .
I love you guys so much, thank you for being so honest and expressing your thoughts so well. Congratulations on a year well LIVED! You all have grown, and are an inspiration to all who know you.
I am crying right now as I write this, because I understand that moment only too well. Ours is coming up on October 6th. It is frozen in time for me too. I remember only part of what the Dr told me, but I remember exactly what she had on and the look on her face and everything about that room. The moment is frozen, but after she told me Avarie had Leukemia almost all of the words that came out of her mouth are a blank to me. I hate that moment, but yet I love it too. It is the moment that our life changed, but for the worse and for the better. I understand exactly what you mean about the growth. There are way too many bad memories of the last year. Its important to try to remember the good ones, the triumphs, the blessings and the strength that our families now have after having faced something like this.
On one other note, I LOVE YOUR MOTHER IN LAW!!!!!!!!!!!! She is an amazing, caring, wonderful person. Please give her a huge hug from me the next time you see her.
Wow Ujifusas. You are amazing! I couldn't be more proud of ALL of you for making it through such a tough year. I am always so humbled when I think about what Grace has had to experience as a 5-6 year old. Her story has truly inspired so many; she has had such a profound impact on all of us. I am also in awe of Tanner's maturity and understanding of the situation. I am simply in awe of all of you and just think the world of your whole family.
I can't believe it's been a year! We have watched your family this past year in awe as you have gotten unbelievably stronger, in a way you never should have to! We never stop praying for you, and know that your life is harder than those of us on the outside will ever know.
Gracie is our hero! Her family teaches us the words gratitude, faith, wisdom, kindness, sharing, bravery, strength, and hopefullness for a brighter future to come. We love you guys. We miss you in the neighborhood!!!!
So well put Kim. You embody so much to me that in the time of your trial you can either succumb and turn away from the good, or embrace it and walk with God. You have so much embraced all the good and your family just shines through it all. Gracie's trial brings a richness to your lives that will carry on for a long, long time and I'm sure touches so many others lives too.....
It's pretty amazing to watch an incredible family grow even stronger than you ever thought possible, and we are all the better by watching your wonderful examples. Here's to many, many more years, perhaps a little better than the last. We love you all.
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