Listening...

All night I listened to Grace whimper in her hospital bed.  She's having nightmares.  She usually does in the hospital.  I climbed into bed by her to just feel her near me and let her know she isn't alone.  I listened to her heavy breathing-wheezy and choppy and watched her pulse race on the side of her neck.  I stroked her hair and listened...I heard a baby in the next room screaming.  That baby sounded very little.  Tanner can't stand when he knows there are babies with Cancer.  Can't blame him.

Last night we made it to the Broadway Lion King...AMAZING.   I really wanted to listen to the sound of Gracie's laughter next to me.  Her little body couldn't keep up with her desire to be there.  Grandma Shele stayed with her and Ben at the hospital.  

When we returned to the hospital, I listened to sweet Ben giggling in Grandma's arms and cooing for me to please nurse him!  And, then I listened to the chair rock back and forth as I nursed him to sleep in the quiet hallways at Doernbecher.   Eva had already fallen asleep  and JR waited with her in the car...she had such a magical time at the Lion King.  

But, perhaps the heaviest sound that fell on my ears that night were those of Tanner's cries and pleading for me to please just come home.  I can't describe what it is like to hear Grace say...mom please don't go.  Or Eva say, "mom you are going to come home now."  Or, Tanner tell me how much he HATES Cancer and wants me home with him.  It's the same if JR leaves...they just want him there.  One thing is for sure...being separated for any period of time is hard on our family.  But, we are unsure of how long that will be.  Grace's fever still stagnates. She feels awful.  

Hopefully soon...I'll listen to the sounds of giggling and talking as we're all at our home together again.  I'd even take hearing the sound of Eva and Grace arguing if it meant we were together!